I couldn't really justify the expense and time of driving the 7 1/2 hours to northern Virginia, especially in the shitty old Cutlass my parents let me take to college with me, but this time Chrissy offered me a very tempting reason to make the trip.
Chrissy had been dating a Marine and he had invited her to go to the Marines' Ball with him in North Carolina. He also had friends. Hot, soldier friends. Chrissy said if I wanted to come, there would be a Marine waiting for me. Awesome, I thought. I wondered what kind of handsome-soldier-manly-man-hero I would be going with.
PERF.
I hopped in that gorgeous Oldsmobile with my prettiest dress in tow and headed straight for my beautiful VA. And with 7 1/2 hours to drive, there's lots of time to imagine all the stupid girly nonsense I possibly could.
My imagination is pretty innocent. And old fashioned, apparently.
But like many situations in my life, things, of course, did not go as imagined. Beginning as soon as I arrived. When I got to Chrissy's house we "relaxed" and watched 28 Days Later for the first time. All night I imagined zombies coming out of the woods, while silently planning escape routes in my head. I had to take sleeping pills. And watch The Little Mermaid. I was terrified. It was ridiculous.
In the morning, Chrissy and I went to the hairdresser and got our hair done prom-style. My woman made me wait 45 minutes then threw some shitty bobby-pin infested garbage up on my head and charged me $150. For literally 5 minutes of "hair dressing." I was a vision not a vision. Chrissy of course looked gorgeous.
It was a little like this.
Since my "hair dresser" or whatever she was took so long to see me, we were running late. We still had to drive 5 hours down to North Carolina's Camp Lejeune. Thankfully, if you're not going at least 90 mph on I-95 you're immediately ticketed and forcibly removed. Also, Chrissy is an insane driver. So those two things added together equaled us making it ON TIME for our magical night at the ball.
I hear Disney songs in my head.
We headed to Chrissy's boyfriend's barracks where we got dressed and made ourselves as pretty and ball-worthy as we could. For Chrissy this involved a cute little flourish of makeup and a smile; for me and the disaster on my head...well I did what I could. Chrissy and her boyfriend wanted some alone time so I was sent off to my mystery date's room to hang out, have a few beers, and generally get to know each other.
Now, again, this is what I was hoping for:
lady boner.
What I got was more like this:
except waaayyyyy less hot.
My date was a short, intellect-deprived, beer guzzling frat boy. Not ugly really, but so impossibly boring it took away any attraction I might have had. (Which wasn't much) Over the next hour I did my best to hide my overwhelming disappointment while simultaneously attempting to listen to his inane stories. I drank as many beers as I could funnel down my throat but it didn't seem to make him any more tolerable.
An hour or so later we hopped in someone's car and headed to the ball. Unfortunately, Prince Charming forgot to bring my ticket. I had a brief wave of indescribable anger come over me and I wondered what the hell I had done to deserve this mother fucking weekend. Eventually they snuck me in.
They snuck me in.
They s n u c k m e i n .
Yay! Just like I imagined!
We hung out for a bit, ate some food, I watched Chrissy dance with her handsome boyfriend; it really was a magical time. I tried to hang on to the idea that afterwards we would be heading to parties and drinking heavily. My mind wandered from my date to future possibilities...
Where do I find this one?
So after a wholly disappointing evening we went back to the barracks to change and head out to the parties one party.
I couldn't wait to party! I was 19 and in my prime drinking years. I was hoping to get hammer time and possibly making out with some hot Marine before passing out in a clean bed. Alone.
But what we arrived to was not exactly what I would now, or ever, refer to as a "party."
2 People.
The people who lived there.
We drank for a little while and then everyone decided to go to bed. Chrissy and her dude got the room toward the back of the house, and Prince Charming and I got the room next door. Oh, be still my beating heart. A room alone with my dream man. And oh, look at that, we get to share a bed!
I would soon very much regret that I didn't go sleep on the couch.
I'm gonna skip to the morning because it's literally not even funny how many times I had to tell this idiot to fuck off.
Charming had to wake up at 6 a.m. to go on some training mission or whatever so he set his alarm on his cell phone. When it went off in the morning, I heard it and woke up, and he had a slightly different reaction.
Yes, that is piss.
HE PISSED ON ME.
His penis expelled urine onto my back.
Well this was the last straw.
There was some sobbing.
and some shame.
but I dealt with it in a healthy, rational manner.
I have never been more happy to get back to Ohio in my entire life.
